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All right.
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Hi, everybody.
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Welcome to Sober Banter.
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I am Colin.
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And I am Rachel.
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And today we have someone from Canada.
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Yeah, this will be our first international podcast.
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This is Krys.
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And I have loved your short videos.
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As my husband said, his favorite thing is that you roll in.
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Coming in hot.
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Yeah.
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So with the videos, I originally started them because I was kind of a lonely, sober person.
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I had started doing them on TikTok just to kind of do like more of a diary kind of thing.
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And it was actually on Halloween.
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I was very newly sober, like 20 days.
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And I live like in a hot spot downtown Toronto.
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So I was like, hey, I'm not ready to go out on Halloween for sure.
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But it was always my favorite holiday.
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So I was literally just like sitting in my apartment, like crying, listening.
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I can hear all the parties happening outside my window.
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I was like,
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I need to find more people to interact with,
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like who are sober and kind of focus on that.
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Because it's one thing to find people who don't drink.
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But I think finding people who are actively in recovery is a totally different conversation.
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So, yeah, I was hoping to find some great people and I did.
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This is my second time getting sober.
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It's been a very different experience.
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I mentioned in one of my videos, I learned a new word this month that's a dried drunk.
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And I think that's what I did last time was I went to rehab,
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I got out and I was like,
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okay,
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I'm all better.
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The joke in rehab was like, we kept saying, okay, are you cured yet?
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Cause I'm cured.
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And you know, you don't, there's no cure, right?
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You have to keep working on it every day.
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They say, you know, like,
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Sobriety is rented and rent is due every day.
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And I think that's true.
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And even with like all that sober time under my belt,
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I feel like because I'm working on it in a different way,
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I'm learning something new constantly,
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which is great.
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And that's like part of what I like to do with the video,
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kind of relate what I'm talking about to what's going on in my life.
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Definitely remember when I learned dry drunk,
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because I know before we got sober,
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like really sober.
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And anytime we take a break,
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you know,
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you definitely felt like you were that dry drunk because say that either on your
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drink on when you could drink next,
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like if it was for a sober October or dry January,
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it was like,
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I can just make it to February 1st and then everything will be good.
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And that will prove I'm not an alcoholic.
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or something like that.
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And I think one of the big issues was I would still hang out with my drinking buddies,
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but I just wouldn't drink.
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So I would just be miserable around all these other people who are drinking and
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having what I thought was having fun.
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And I would be the miserable one.
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And because I wasn't in a community of people who were not drinking or I didn't have
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you know,
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kind of this guidebook to follow like the 12 steps or even if you're not an AA,
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just to be around a community of people that would help you.
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So yeah, dry drunk is something I definitely relate to.
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Yeah.
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And so your sobriety date is October 10th.
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So you're talking about Halloween.
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So you're about 20 days sober, right?
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Yeah.
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And so what happened this time that was different from the time before?
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So the first time I got sober, it was definitely...
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I won't call it like legally mandated, but it was because I got a DUI.
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And that was kind of my wake up call.
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Part of how I was pleading with the judge to go easy on me was,
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listen,
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I'm going to go to rehab.
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I'm going to do all these things.
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And I feel like a lot of my intention behind getting sober was embarrassment, guilt, and shame.
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Because my DUI...
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Unfortunately, it became kind of like very public in my workspace.
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I got it in a work vehicle.
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So, you know, the vehicle is impounded.
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I have to tell my bosses all this.
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Like it was so embarrassing.
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And then it helped even for my work to be like, well, I'm going to rehab.
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So when I get out, you guys can hire me back and everything is going to be all better.
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So, yeah, I think a lot of it was like it was for appearances.
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I didn't want to get sober.
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I know like the first two weeks of being in rehab, I was like, I don't need to be here.
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I just have to get through my 45 days or whatever.
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Whereas this time it was a very...
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personal thing like it was a choice that I made for myself because I had been going
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through like I've struggled with depression for what I'm now realizing was probably
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the last 20 years or so it went on for so long it was like normalized to me I
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didn't even realize that I was depressed but it got really bad towards
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the end of this stint and I was just drinking away the sadness or so I thought
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after there was an incident where I had a very bad habit of
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getting blackout drunk and hurting myself.
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And there was one day when I woke up and I was like, I can't do this anymore.
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Something needs to change.
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So I went to therapy and, you know, quit drinking, got on antidepressants.
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So it was kind of this like whole overhaul of my mental facilities.
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And I
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I don't know if I even intended for the quitting drinking to be like the star of
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the show,
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but somehow it did become that way because I realized that chemically,
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like after doing some reading like that,
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it's really,
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really damaging.
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And yeah, it's been a huge thing like the antidepressants.
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Yes, obviously they're helping.
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But I had noticed it within like two weeks that I wasn't waking up with like crazy
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anxiety and depression.
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I was waking up kind of just neutral.
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Yeah.
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Well, and I mean, alcohol is a depressant.
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And although like I know in my drinking days,
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like I would argue that it fueled me and not even the present.
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But I also deal with those.
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I mean, Colin's seen me throw myself down the stairs like and we don't have to talk about that.
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But I mean, yeah, we talk about hurting ourselves.
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I mean, I was I did some crazy ass threats.
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I don't know why,
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how you stayed with me through them,
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but you know,
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you'd be like,
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yeah,
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well,
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you won't remember this in the morning.
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And I'd wake up and I don't remember making any kind of things or say, I don't, I don't know.
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It was really when I was blackout when it would happen,
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but yeah,
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the carrying,
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I think that's where the fourth step really helped me like really,
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because there was that shame,
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guilt,
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guilt,
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And I mean, Bill W. talked about he dealt with depression a lot.
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So that's very common, I think, within people with addicts, alcoholism.
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Especially, Chris, you said you were more of a blackout drinker.
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Was these...
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Where you could kind of hang on throughout your work week,
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like Monday through Friday,
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then Friday,
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Saturday,
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Sunday,
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you just kind of went all out?
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That type of blackout drinker?
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Or was it just kind of as soon as you got done with work,
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you black out until,
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you know,
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your alarm comes and then you got to go to work and put on this,
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you know,
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clean,
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sober face?
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I mostly like I would drink when I got home from work,
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but I would also not drink to the excess that I would on the weekend.
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Say I never blacked out during the week,
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but it was definitely more of a Friday,
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Saturday kind of thing.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It's always kind of like, what kind of drinker was I?
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Because I feel like most of us have done it for so long that you're like,
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well,
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over the years,
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I was every kind of drinker there.
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Absolutely.
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Yeah.
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And it always kind of progresses because, yeah, I would drink more on the weekends, too.
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But then maybe there's one Tuesday day after work where I found like,
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oh, I could drink a little bit more and still go to work Wednesday and be okay.
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Well,
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then,
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you know,
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I keep adding to it,
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you know,
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little by little by little until I'm showing up at work,
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not even close to 100%,
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you know,
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and it becomes pretty obvious,
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even though I think I'm hiding it well.
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And yeah, the shit show is just growing.
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For sure.
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Well, when I got pregnant and I was able to stay sober, I thought that was kind of like my...
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I can prove I cannot drink for a certain amount of time.
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But the only reason I wasn't drinking was because I was pregnant.
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As soon as I had my son, it was back to wheels off.
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And I don't know how if you felt the same after taking a year and a half off.
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It's like the vengeance.
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You come back twice as hard.
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Right after I gave birth, I continued drinking at the level...
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From when I stopped.
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But you couldn't tell me that.
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And it's like it hit home a lot faster.
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I don't know if that was your experience or not.
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The first day I drank, when I relapsed, I puked.
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I drank until I puked that very first night.
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I did not intend to, but I was used to being able to drink a whole bottle of wine, no problem.
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And basically, I attempted to do that.
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I don't think I set out to do that.
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I was going to just have one.
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My first time back at it, I puked red wine all over this beautiful white bathroom at an Airbnb.
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On an Airbnb?
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Yeah.
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The bottle was actually a gift from the host.
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Oh, not knowing, obviously.
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So I was like, oh, it's like a sign, right?
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They still have the bottle now as a gift.
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They probably are like, maybe white wine.
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But going back to the kind of like way...
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And the drinking can you do a little more and a little more over the course of the week.
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I remember.
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So when I was back off the wagon, I still had a breathalyzer on my car.
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And yeah, I was very aware, you know, of the rules of this thing and how sensitive it was.
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And I was out of town for a job and I had had a lot to drink the night before.
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I think I was drinking wine.
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I do remember the extra bad pace.
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I woke up for work and when I got it, I felt okay.
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But,
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you know,
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a little bit of a headache,
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like,
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oh shit,
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I should have had like one less last night.
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But when I got into my car,
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I couldn't get my car running because I kept failing the breath test.
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Oh no.
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How many failures did you get?
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I think you get three.
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Yeah.
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And then it's like turn off.
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Yeah.
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Okay.
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So and then it's like half a day or something.
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And so you can do it again.
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So I did the one and I was like, oh, my God.
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So I called my guys.
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luckily i'm the boss so you know for me to be like you guys go on i just have some
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things to do so you know i gave myself an hour brushed my teeth ate as much as i
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could went back in failed it again had to call one of my guys be like you got to
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pick me up my car is broken like i need you know someone has to come fix it and
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that should have been another wake-up call right but it's like we have this like
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weird it's addiction it's it's a
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It's an illness in a way, right?
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Yeah, because I had a breathalyzer in my car for a year.
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And us addicts always try to outsmart, you know, everything we can do.
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And I don't know if you've ever heard this story, but I remember...
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You know,
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I just couldn't hold off,
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but I went to go visit a friend at his apartment,
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and it was like maybe a 10-12 minute drive.
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And sometimes the breathalyzer would go off in the middle of the drive.
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So when I drove to his place, it went off in the middle of the drive.
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And so I blew to prove that I was still sober.
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And I got to his house and I was like, OK, if they're not going to drink, I can drink.
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They can blow into it.
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And since it already went off in the middle of the drive,
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it's not going to go off in the middle of the drive when I drive back home.
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And so I thought I'd outsmarted it.
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the breathalyzer and sure enough on the way home because I got one of them to blow
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into the breathalyzer so I could start my car because I had two or three beers
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there because you know I couldn't like just wait two hours or whatever and so on
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the way home you know it went off and I had a panic and I realized I'm not going to
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be able to make it home to where my roommate is
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to where they could blow in it.
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So they had to,
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I called my roommate at the time,
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she and a friend met me at like a grocery store parking lot halfway in between
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where I was and where my townhouse was.
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So they could blow into the breathalyzer.
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So it would appear that I was still sober.
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I don't know if you have the best friends of the world or the worst,
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most wild friends in the world.
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Well, I was surprised that they weren't also drunk or drinking at the time.
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So I think that also helps when you have friends that are also more stoner-based
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instead of drinking-based.
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So I wasn't too worried of that.
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I was like, well, they might just be a little high.
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But breathalyzer's not going to catch that.
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So...
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Yeah.
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So that was a really intense story that I was able to walk around and the judge or
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nobody found out about that one.
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But just for some reason,
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those weird things you do to try to outsmart or trick your breathalyzer.
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And yeah.
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But you were the one who had the problem saying you were alcoholic when we got sober.
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Yeah.
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But you just I don't have any stories like that.
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No.
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Yeah.
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And this was a 22-year-old Colin.
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But I know I'm an alcoholic.
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I mean, I know it would have been a matter of time before I got pulled over.
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Like, I mean, I know the way I drank was alcoholically.
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Like, I didn't... Yeah, you flirted pretty dangerously with that one.
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So dangerously.
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So dangerously.
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Yeah.
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You know, I live through your experience on that.
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Yeah.
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And a good note, too, is it's just because you don't have the same stories.
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Like, me saying...
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oh, I never had a DUI and had the breathalyzer things.
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Like, that doesn't make me any less of an alcoholic.
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It's just,
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if I were to relapse,
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I know I'd probably get caught that day because it's only a matter of time until I
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would have hit that point.
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Yeah.
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You know?
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And...
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I guess I would recommend looking for the similarities and not the differences
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because I would have drank that way too.
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You know, I would have tried to manipulate a breathalyzer.
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Yeah.
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I'm reused to have standup jokes about like trying to get a date and you're like,
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hold on,
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I got to start my car really quickly.
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It's blowing into the breathalyzer.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I used to do stand-up,
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and I had a bit of picking up a first date in my car with a breathalyzer in it.
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It's weird how you just let it become normal, too.
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Like, in my work, I end up driving people around a lot.
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So eventually, like, all my employees are like, oh, she's got to blow the thing.
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Give it a second.
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And they'd be laughing because, you know, you got to hum.
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It's not a pretty thing to have to do in front of somebody.
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Yeah, there is.
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I forget.
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There's kind of a... You blow, but it's a different... It's not just...
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oh my god hearing you do that yeah it is kind of when you said home like that
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brought it to me and it was it was almost weird when it got taken out of my car of
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not having it anymore but we can put it back if it could run on just breathalyzer
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and that gas that'd be awesome because that'd be right every day now
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Yeah, because we don't even like that's not.
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Well,
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I guess maybe it'd be a little bit of a nuisance like to have to do it just because
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it's having to blow into something.
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But it wouldn't be the added anxiety of like, am I going to be able to pass this today?
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Because that has a whole other level of.
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Not only are you doing something embarrassing, it's like, what if I blow in?
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It doesn't work.
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And now it doesn't work in front of like people I'm, you know, riding with or whatnot.
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Did you ever try to hide it from your coat?
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Because you said now it's kind of a joke amongst your coworkers.
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But like that first,
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did you ever think to try to hide it or use an excuse of,
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well,
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I got pulled over and I was barely over the legal limit of drinking or to make it
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sound a little better?
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So there were certain people who I wouldn't want to get in my car.
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It was like finding all these little tiny reasons why we shouldn't take my car.
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Like AC is broken or my window doesn't close and it's winter.
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Maybe we should take your car.
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And I mean, that's just the shame too.
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And I'm sure you're beating yourself up in your head because if you're not able to
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drive somewhere,
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like I can imagine that that would be
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difficult and it'd be like oh my god and then you if i were drinking at the time i
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would go drink harder because i was embarrassed and the only way to deal with that
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shame is to go back when you don't want anyone to see you drinking when they know
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you have a breathalyzer in your car too yeah oh so now you have an even another
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level of like you're trying to hide it and it's the the manipulation of so many
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factors like when i got sober i was like
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I don't have to do all that anymore.
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And like that was just a relief of like I could just be honest.
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You're no longer multitasking all these crazy scenarios and juggling all these things.
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You can just focus on one thing and it's the easier thing.
(00:17:57):
It's like having a lot of tabs open, you know, and it's I just like.
(00:18:01):
Well, I mean, I like that it's being able to be honest.
(00:18:05):
I don't have to think of the lie told.
(00:18:06):
I don't have to like make.
(00:18:09):
excuses for all of these different things or have to try and like figure out how
(00:18:14):
I'm going to get home or get there.
(00:18:16):
Or like our, my first like sober party, you know, my sponsor was like, you know, you can leave.
(00:18:22):
Right.
(00:18:22):
And I was like, Oh my God, that's crazy because like I'm sober.
(00:18:26):
I can literally get in.
(00:18:27):
I'm not used to that.
(00:18:28):
I'm used to not being able to drive home, you know, like, so I have to figure it all out.
(00:18:33):
Yeah.
(00:18:33):
And so that's,
(00:18:37):
It's crazy.
(00:18:38):
How are you going through like a 12 step program?
(00:18:41):
Or I think I saw, are you going smart recovery?
(00:18:43):
I do smart recovery.
(00:18:46):
What do you like about it?
(00:18:48):
Well, for me, I guess the thing that scared me off from AA was the spirituality of it.
(00:18:54):
It's just never really been my thing.
(00:18:57):
It just felt like a lot in general, I think.
(00:18:59):
And I was like, I don't know.
(00:19:00):
We're good.
(00:19:00):
We don't judge.
(00:19:01):
I was just curious because like maybe someone else will think
(00:19:04):
Oh, I would love to hear that.
(00:19:07):
Well,
(00:19:07):
that was going to be my question was,
(00:19:09):
yeah,
(00:19:09):
what has worked for you the second time around?
(00:19:12):
Like that first time you said you were that dry drunk.
(00:19:16):
And so this time around,
(00:19:17):
obviously,
(00:19:18):
you found your people and you started,
(00:19:20):
you know,
(00:19:21):
your channel.
(00:19:22):
I don't even know if they're like big groups or if they're small.
(00:19:24):
It's actually really small.
(00:19:26):
After the pandemic, everything went online.
(00:19:28):
Since then, I think only two meetings in Toronto have gone back to real life.
(00:19:33):
And I'd say on average, a big meeting for our group is maybe like 15 people.
(00:19:39):
So it's pretty intimate.
(00:19:42):
And we kind of just work through that in a way, but it's more about
(00:19:49):
self-regulation rather than focusing on just alcohol or whatever your drug is.
(00:19:55):
There's people there who are like, I'm here for anxiety.
(00:19:58):
And we'll talk about it because I think it all really is wrapped up.
(00:20:01):
The things that are going to make you drink are the things that are making you anxious, right?
(00:20:06):
So it kind of treats
(00:20:09):
like addiction or substance abuse or whatever it is you're overdoing it on as more
(00:20:16):
of a symptom of a problem that like is going on in your head.
(00:20:21):
So it's about emotional regulation and kind of problem solving for yourself in ways
(00:20:27):
that are not going to be self-destructive or destructive to those around you.
(00:20:32):
Yeah.
(00:20:34):
Do they discriminate as far as like if you're there for,
(00:20:38):
like you said,
(00:20:39):
there's people that go there for other things,
(00:20:41):
but is it people who are there for drugs or alcohol or drugs?
(00:20:45):
do drugs or those other programs like there's na like narcotics anonymous all in
(00:20:50):
the same group they're like group there's the drug the drug addicts there's a guy
(00:20:55):
who's addicted to video games there's a we're all just did it together like i can't
(00:21:01):
stop doing this one thing right very cool i loved the book the dopamine nation and
(00:21:07):
that book talks about all the different kinds of
(00:21:11):
addictions but the common thing that they have is you can't stop doing it yeah and
(00:21:17):
that's where i say like there are people i feel like that will even go to aa like
(00:21:22):
they hear a story like the dui and they're like maybe i don't need to be here and
(00:21:27):
it's like no no you're looking at the differences not the similarities did you
(00:21:31):
still drink that way like yeah or did you do you feel that same way that like
(00:21:37):
if you were to throw a bottle in the trash can, would you go pull it back out?
(00:21:41):
You know, like, that's nothing.
(00:21:44):
Because I talk about
(00:21:48):
again it's it's the feeling it's not it's yeah the alcohol drug video game it's all
(00:21:55):
a symptom of how you're regulating and how you're using whatever it is and i think
(00:22:01):
there are so many ways for a substance or a habit or an addiction to hurt you that
(00:22:09):
it's not even about like
(00:22:11):
Do you drink every day?
(00:22:12):
You don't have to drink every day for alcohol to be a bad thing in your life.
(00:22:17):
Like,
(00:22:18):
I remember when I got to rehab,
(00:22:19):
it was almost there was this like weird hierarchy of like,
(00:22:23):
who is this toolkit or something?
(00:22:26):
And I didn't get like any respect until I told them about like a couple of times I
(00:22:31):
was in jail and they were like,
(00:22:32):
oh shit,
(00:22:32):
okay.
(00:22:33):
But I'm like, you guys...
(00:22:35):
This shouldn't be a competition.
(00:22:37):
And there was another girl who came in and it was the same thing you were saying for her.
(00:22:42):
Like she kind of heard all these stories and she's like, well, I don't drink every day.
(00:22:46):
I like can stop myself.
(00:22:49):
I just black out once in a while.
(00:22:51):
And then as I started to hear her stories,
(00:22:53):
I'm like,
(00:22:53):
girl,
(00:22:54):
this is you're going to kill yourself.
(00:22:56):
Like this is a problem.
(00:22:57):
And it took her kind of a while to be like, oh, yeah, I should stop this.
(00:23:03):
Yeah.
(00:23:07):
I do remember the feeling of there were a few times I was a lot like you in my early recovery.
(00:23:13):
I was all about it.
(00:23:14):
I wanted to share it.
(00:23:15):
I wanted to kind of do the tips.
(00:23:17):
And again, it kept me sober.
(00:23:19):
But I would get responses of like, you can't do this at only so-and-so about a days.
(00:23:27):
Or I think I had emailed about like the Dallas sober because they were looking for,
(00:23:32):
you know,
(00:23:32):
someone...
(00:23:34):
to like run it.
(00:23:35):
And I was so excited to put in my application.
(00:23:37):
And I think I like my heart broke when I got like the one.
(00:23:42):
Yeah, you need more time.
(00:23:43):
Like you only I hate that word only.
(00:23:48):
I don't use that word for that reason.
(00:23:50):
And I'm like, you know what?
(00:23:51):
There are people with 15 days sober that have so much more to share than someone
(00:23:56):
who has 15 years.
(00:23:57):
Because you're in that raw, honest part.
(00:24:03):
And you can look back a lot easier than someone who's 15 years sober.
(00:24:08):
Well, I mean, I guess I can't say that.
(00:24:10):
Again, it's not a competition.
(00:24:12):
It's about the similarities.
(00:24:15):
And that's something...
(00:24:18):
I think when talking to people,
(00:24:20):
especially who have gone back out and like,
(00:24:23):
I call that reestablishing your step one.
(00:24:25):
You're just you are now at a place where you know you're powerless over how alcohol
(00:24:32):
goes in your body and whatnot.
(00:24:34):
And yeah,
(00:24:34):
like what you're saying about the word only a girl came in to our meeting a couple
(00:24:38):
of weeks ago and she was like,
(00:24:40):
I'm only nine days sober.
(00:24:42):
And I'm like, I'm getting emotional.
(00:24:44):
I like want to cry.
(00:24:45):
So I was like, girl, do you know how many times I couldn't get nine days sober?
(00:24:49):
Like you should be so proud of yourself.
(00:24:51):
It doesn't matter if you have 15 years or 50 days.
(00:24:57):
It's not easy.
(00:24:58):
And I think that the earlier days are the hardest.
(00:25:01):
I've not ever been more than a year and a half,
(00:25:04):
but those early days are the days you need to be the most proud of yourself and
(00:25:09):
stop saying only.
(00:25:11):
It's such a damaging word because it's a huge accomplishment and that diminishes it.
(00:25:16):
And the more you diminish yourself,
(00:25:18):
the closer you're getting to being back into a headspace where you're like,
(00:25:22):
well,
(00:25:23):
you know,
(00:25:23):
it was only...
(00:25:25):
50 days anyway.
(00:25:26):
What's the harm?
(00:25:27):
And like giving up.
(00:25:29):
I was like, hate that word.
(00:25:33):
It makes me so upset.
(00:25:34):
And it's just like,
(00:25:37):
yeah,
(00:25:37):
you know,
(00:25:38):
if you have something to share,
(00:25:40):
I wouldn't look back at my last sober October and I made it till October 4th.
(00:25:44):
I made it four days.
(00:25:45):
So, yeah, nine days.
(00:25:46):
A huge accomplishment.
(00:25:48):
I think it's because the fourth or the fifth just happened to be a weekend.
(00:25:51):
I mean, there's always a rationalization of why to drink, except this time was different.
(00:26:02):
Like, this was the first time we had gone to a meeting.
(00:26:04):
And I think this was the first time that I actually wanted to get sober when it was,
(00:26:11):
you know,
(00:26:11):
three years ago.
(00:26:12):
Yeah.
(00:26:14):
And it wasn't for...
(00:26:17):
a dry January or October.
(00:26:19):
It was just, I just, I couldn't do it anymore.
(00:26:22):
The dry drunk is so real.
(00:26:24):
And I would be so snippy, especially near the end.
(00:26:27):
Because like, all I was waiting for was that next drink.
(00:26:31):
And like, unless you're not found.
(00:26:33):
And then there was the rationalization that I remember having with Colin of like,
(00:26:37):
Well, at midnight, you know, on the 31st, when it turns to the first, can we drink?
(00:26:42):
And he's like, can you just not wait till like first?
(00:26:44):
And, you know, it's like, oh, well, we're going to drink in 12 hours anyway.
(00:26:48):
Why don't we just do it now?
(00:26:49):
Yeah.
(00:26:50):
It's like trying to get in that, you know, premier boarding class on Southwest.
(00:26:54):
I got to get right when the hour changes.
(00:26:57):
Oh, my God.
(00:27:00):
And like have it poured already.
(00:27:01):
And you're just staring and you're just like.
(00:27:05):
If you have done that,
(00:27:07):
that would be considered just as bad of an addiction because I would say the test
(00:27:13):
for addiction is like,
(00:27:14):
can you just get rid of it and not think about it and not care?
(00:27:18):
You know,
(00:27:19):
if you are sitting there waiting for the clock to change because that was like
(00:27:23):
you're hitting your goal,
(00:27:24):
I would probably say that's an attitude of a dry drunk because you're waiting for you.
(00:27:28):
Yeah, now that you bring that up, I'm having like flashbacks to the pandemic.
(00:27:33):
Because I remember being like, all right, well, you know, not till five o'clock.
(00:27:39):
And then I'd be standing there at like, you know, staring at my squad.
(00:27:43):
Like, was this ever going to change from four fifty nine?
(00:27:46):
And then that deadline moved up like, OK, well, like three o'clock.
(00:27:50):
And then it was noon and it was silly.
(00:27:52):
Yeah.
(00:27:54):
Why am I waiting for this arbitrary timeline when like nothing exists right now?
(00:28:00):
I totally forgot that I did that.
(00:28:03):
I'll tell you, things start coming.
(00:28:05):
Like,
(00:28:06):
even now,
(00:28:07):
I still get random flashbacks of things that I'm like,
(00:28:09):
oh,
(00:28:09):
my God,
(00:28:09):
I hadn't even thought about that.
(00:28:11):
I remember in the pandemic, because I was working from home, and they'd be like,
(00:28:16):
you know,
(00:28:17):
I'd be in the back office and I'd be like,
(00:28:18):
hey,
(00:28:19):
I just sent an email and you'd be like,
(00:28:21):
shot time.
(00:28:22):
And it was like everything with this congratulatory, you know, shot.
(00:28:26):
Oh, I just finished a project or I just finished an edit.
(00:28:29):
And it was just shot time.
(00:28:30):
Just went down for a nap.
(00:28:32):
And it was throughout the day.
(00:28:34):
And then I remember there were times like,
(00:28:37):
Oh, well, in Eastern time, you know, it's already five.
(00:28:41):
And so it's like, well, it's five o'clock somewhere thing.
(00:28:46):
And I'm like, man, that was such a damaging line to me.
(00:28:50):
Vacation was another write off of like, well, we're on vacation.
(00:28:53):
Of course we can daydream.
(00:28:55):
And we missed an entire vacation, basically, because we were too drunk or we were hungover.
(00:29:03):
and then doing hair of the dog to the point where it was just so bad canceling even
(00:29:08):
dinner reservations that we made couldn't do dinner too drunk to get there from day
(00:29:12):
drinking yeah have you gone anywhere yet no and that's actually going to be the the
(00:29:19):
true test because i am the kind of person that i arrive at the airport
(00:29:24):
intentionally like four hours early because the bar is always open and i don't know
(00:29:29):
what it is i just
(00:29:30):
I love drinking at the airport.
(00:29:31):
I love drinking on the plane.
(00:29:33):
I haven't actually been on vacation in a couple of years, but I travel a lot for work.
(00:29:38):
So that first flight I have to get on, you know, I'm going to live stream it maybe.
(00:29:42):
I don't know, just to keep myself clean.
(00:29:45):
I'm telling you,
(00:29:46):
if you're like what you're saying you are,
(00:29:48):
you know,
(00:29:49):
like you're sober this time and you're having good tools and self-regulation.
(00:29:55):
it's gonna be different it's like going to the airport with new glasses I remember
(00:29:58):
I was so nervous the first time I went and it wasn't I mean I just saw that it just
(00:30:06):
didn't look fun like the people who looked in the bars I was like it didn't look
(00:30:11):
like a crowd I wanted to be a part of anymore it just looked different yeah and as
(00:30:18):
far I mean we used to pack like
(00:30:21):
We would get not just the minis.
(00:30:23):
We would say we wanted like the ones that's in the packaging because we wanted to
(00:30:27):
have that many minis on the plane.
(00:30:30):
And we would order one and then just add more to it.
(00:30:34):
I haven't thought of a time where I've flown and we've flown a lot.
(00:30:37):
It was just different.
(00:30:38):
It really was.
(00:30:39):
And I thought I was going to be triggered because I too am...
(00:30:44):
I used to love drinking at the airport.
(00:30:46):
Oh my God.
(00:30:46):
We will get so fucked up.
(00:30:48):
Save a lot of money though.
(00:30:49):
I would just say,
(00:30:51):
you know,
(00:30:51):
with some of the,
(00:30:52):
you can live stream if that makes you feel better,
(00:30:54):
but like,
(00:30:56):
texting someone to like just having a little bit of accountability.
(00:31:01):
If you do,
(00:31:02):
you know,
(00:31:03):
and actually one of the things I noticed,
(00:31:05):
which I'd never noticed before I got sober,
(00:31:07):
is like most places have like a meditation room or a space.
(00:31:12):
And I'm like, oh, never noticed that before.
(00:31:14):
But I was usually drunk and I'm not looking for it.
(00:31:17):
Having your new kind of go-to drink,
(00:31:19):
I know in the beginning for me,
(00:31:20):
it was the Topo Chico and lime just because I wanted that carbonation of something
(00:31:26):
and a little bit of flavor.
(00:31:27):
Even I only just recently,
(00:31:30):
and again,
(00:31:31):
this was year three,
(00:31:33):
that someone ordered a drink next to me and it just didn't even smell good.
(00:31:38):
I was just like, I don't want to be sitting next to, I mean, it was, she was at a mimosa and
(00:31:44):
It doesn't look, it's not something I crave anymore.
(00:31:47):
It's just not part of my life.
(00:31:49):
You know, like I look at other people and I'm like, I want something like they have.
(00:31:55):
I don't want to go back.
(00:31:57):
It doesn't sound fun.
(00:31:59):
Well, and it's risky too, right?
(00:32:01):
Like at the airport, more than once I have not been allowed on the plane because I'm too drunk.
(00:32:07):
I remember one time,
(00:32:08):
I almost made it.
(00:32:09):
I was so close.
(00:32:10):
We were going from that little strip onto the plane and I tripped.
(00:32:14):
And I want to say it was partly the shoes I was wearing and the fact that I was on
(00:32:17):
an angle,
(00:32:18):
but I went down so hard.
(00:32:20):
And all of a sudden they're like smelling my breath.
(00:32:22):
They're like, you're going to have to wait for the next flight.
(00:32:24):
And yeah, I missed a flight once because I was so drunk.
(00:32:27):
I was in the wrong terminal.
(00:32:29):
Didn't even know.
(00:32:29):
Got so pissed at the people.
(00:32:31):
They were like, you're in the wrong terminal.
(00:32:32):
Yeah.
(00:32:33):
And I think that's like the thing that they teach you too,
(00:32:37):
is I remember being in the airport and I'm like,
(00:32:40):
nobody would know,
(00:32:41):
you know,
(00:32:41):
you have that first time where you're looking around and it's like,
(00:32:44):
no one would know if I went and drank,
(00:32:48):
but it's the,
(00:32:48):
I would know.
(00:32:49):
And we talk about that, like the guilt, the shame, all of that feeling is in that first drink.
(00:32:58):
And it's again, those types of things, like,
(00:33:02):
I didn't have any problems at the airport.
(00:33:04):
And I was so scared because I almost didn't get allowed on the plane.
(00:33:10):
But thankfully, we were wearing masks at the time.
(00:33:12):
But I have pictures that are so cringe, like so cringe.
(00:33:18):
And yeah, there's something different when surrendering to you want it for yourself.
(00:33:27):
So if you're comparing it to like last time you were sober for the year and a half
(00:33:34):
and going to the airport and like being jealous,
(00:33:36):
it's a very different feeling when you surrender yourself.
(00:33:40):
But actually a lot of the live stream might help other people because you can talk
(00:33:44):
about how you feel.
(00:33:45):
But don't be surprised if you don't really feel anything because I was scared and I just didn't.
(00:33:52):
Yeah,
(00:33:52):
I was thinking the other day,
(00:33:54):
like I had posted a couple of weeks ago that it felt like I was running out of
(00:33:58):
things to do sober for the first time.
(00:34:01):
I feel like since I posted that, I've been noticing all these things.
(00:34:06):
I'm like, they're small things, but things are still coming up.
(00:34:09):
Right.
(00:34:09):
I hosted a party at my house for the first time and I wasn't drinking at my own party.
(00:34:15):
Like little things.
(00:34:16):
The night went fine.
(00:34:17):
I hadn't overthought it, but I'm like, no, there's going to be things forever.
(00:34:20):
I remember so clearly my first time playing pool without a beer in my hand was at rehab.
(00:34:27):
And the first time I went to a bonfire and didn't have beer was just after I got out of rehab.
(00:34:34):
And those were two that I think I'll remember for a long time because it was so
(00:34:38):
empowering to be like,
(00:34:40):
oh,
(00:34:41):
this is still fun.
(00:34:43):
Yeah.
(00:34:44):
Well, I was going to say too, like Valentine's Day is coming up.
(00:34:47):
And I know one of the things that people love hearing is dating and sobriety.
(00:34:53):
And that's like a huge topic,
(00:34:55):
which,
(00:34:55):
you know,
(00:34:56):
we don't really,
(00:34:56):
I don't got much on because we stayed together.
(00:35:01):
And that was our accomplishment.
(00:35:04):
We can talk about being married and being sober, but not as far as really dating.
(00:35:08):
Yeah.
(00:35:09):
done any because you said you hosted kind of your first sober party and I know this
(00:35:13):
is different for a few people as far as you know going out have you gone out with
(00:35:19):
either old friends of yours or even co-workers because I know for me the where I
(00:35:25):
work will go out and have like a work happy hour every quarter or so and nobody
(00:35:32):
that I work with knows I haven't just told him that I'm sober for three years I
(00:35:37):
just thought he got really smart
(00:35:38):
Yeah, I just all of a sudden my productivity just shot up through the roof.
(00:35:42):
But I'll order,
(00:35:44):
you know,
(00:35:44):
either a Topo Chico or a non-alcoholic beer and just kind of blend in because I
(00:35:50):
just don't feel like having to explain my whole backstory and sobriety story.
(00:35:55):
I don't really want to stand out and I don't want my coworkers to look at me any
(00:35:59):
differently because I still joke with them.
(00:36:02):
you know, about hangovers and stuff like that or old stories.
(00:36:07):
And just because I think that's fun and funny to share,
(00:36:10):
but I haven't been outright like,
(00:36:12):
oh,
(00:36:12):
I'm sober now.
(00:36:13):
I guess you should ask, was it a sober party?
(00:36:15):
Like, was it people that were in sobriety attending the party?
(00:36:18):
So that actually became a bit of a topic.
(00:36:23):
I had been spending extra time with somebody from my sober group and he said,
(00:36:30):
I invited him to the party and I was like, well, like, you know, we've gone out a few times.
(00:36:33):
Do you want to meet my friend?
(00:36:35):
Like I'm having this party.
(00:36:36):
And when I sent out like the official invitation on WhatsApp or whatever,
(00:36:40):
I said,
(00:36:42):
you know,
(00:36:43):
as everybody knows,
(00:36:44):
I'm sober,
(00:36:45):
but feel free to.
(00:36:46):
And I think the way I worded it was what upset him.
(00:36:49):
But I said, but feel free to bring alcohol and drink your little butt sauce.
(00:36:54):
Because like, I want people to have fun.
(00:36:56):
It's a party, right?
(00:36:58):
And he messaged me a couple days later saying,
(00:37:02):
I think you need to rethink having alcohol at your party.
(00:37:06):
You need to talk to the group.
(00:37:07):
You need to talk to your therapist.
(00:37:09):
I don't think it's a good idea.
(00:37:10):
And I was just kind of like,
(00:37:12):
why do I need a jury to decide on whether I can allow people to have alcohol in my house?
(00:37:19):
it became a heated conversation between the two of us because he was like you're so
(00:37:24):
newly sober I don't think you can handle it and I was like maybe you couldn't but
(00:37:30):
social drinking is not my trigger like I'm actually okay with being around people
(00:37:36):
who are drinking it's more being alone is my most dangerous time alone and sad
(00:37:43):
right like
(00:37:44):
Hungry, angry, lonely, tired, whatever the whole.
(00:37:46):
That's my most dangerous time.
(00:37:49):
I like being around people when they get to start loosening up.
(00:37:53):
And I'm pretty lucky in a way that not a lot of my friends are big drinkers.
(00:37:58):
I was the anomaly.
(00:37:59):
I was the asshole who was always too loud and too drunk and everybody else's
(00:38:02):
problem by the end of the night.
(00:38:04):
So...
(00:38:06):
I have been out to a few dinners and little parties and gone out to bars and stuff.
(00:38:11):
And I think it's just a relief for everybody else that I'm not drinking.
(00:38:15):
And it's been eye-opening for me because I realize that other people are not
(00:38:20):
getting like crazy drunk.
(00:38:22):
Like I think when you're drunk, you feel like everybody's as drunk as you are.
(00:38:26):
But, you know, at my party on Saturday, like 25 people were here.
(00:38:30):
And when I was cleaning up, there was 10 empties total.
(00:38:36):
Like I was like calling people like, did you bring your empties home?
(00:38:38):
Like, why is there no like alcohol here?
(00:38:42):
I was so surprised.
(00:38:43):
And it was like, yeah, not everybody drank.
(00:38:45):
A bunch of people drove here and there was some sober people.
(00:38:49):
And the people that did drink just had like two or three, I guess.
(00:38:53):
And I never would have clocked that.
(00:38:56):
If it was like me drinking, I would have drank my two bottles of wine.
(00:38:59):
I would have been obnoxious and assumed that everybody was as drunk as I was.
(00:39:04):
Yeah,
(00:39:04):
because I wanted to add,
(00:39:05):
because I know everybody's different as far as when they looked at that.
(00:39:08):
We had a sober Super Bowl and we made sure that everyone was just sober.
(00:39:14):
Yeah, I was the opposite.
(00:39:16):
I was like, don't bring alcohol.
(00:39:18):
It took me a while, you know?
(00:39:20):
Everyone's different.
(00:39:22):
But, you know, you said you stood your ground.
(00:39:24):
I don't think you need... Colin didn't care, though.
(00:39:27):
Yeah,
(00:39:27):
and I don't think you should feel ashamed or,
(00:39:29):
you know,
(00:39:30):
like you said,
(00:39:30):
ask a committee,
(00:39:31):
like,
(00:39:31):
is this a good idea?
(00:39:32):
I mean, you can get
(00:39:33):
other people's opinions but if you are comfortable like you said you've already
(00:39:37):
been to dinner parties or bars and you figured out what's your trigger and you
(00:39:43):
still want to go out and enjoy you know seeing your family or seeing your friends
(00:39:47):
because that's kind of who you are because
(00:39:50):
I've gone to a few bars or restaurants to hang with people.
(00:39:53):
And like you said,
(00:39:54):
I realized,
(00:39:55):
well,
(00:39:56):
I was the one that was instigating all this drinking because I've said it before on
(00:40:01):
the podcast.
(00:40:01):
When I sobered up, I realized how lame some of my friends were.
(00:40:07):
I was like, geez, or they're taking tiny shots or, you know, just drink two beers.
(00:40:13):
I'm like, that's all you're doing.
(00:40:15):
All right.
(00:40:15):
Yeah.
(00:40:16):
Yeah.
(00:40:17):
And if you if that was not a problem for you,
(00:40:20):
I again,
(00:40:21):
the airport like I was more I did not want to touch empty alcohol like I did not
(00:40:26):
want to have to clean it up.
(00:40:27):
I didn't want it in the house like it took me a while to come to the terms of.
(00:40:31):
I was mad at alcohol for a while like I was it was on my resentments, you know, of.
(00:40:40):
thinking that alcohol destroyed my life.
(00:40:42):
You know, alcohol is the reason I had no job.
(00:40:44):
Alcohol, and it's not true.
(00:40:46):
I was the reason.
(00:40:47):
I didn't have, you know, it's but a symptom, like you said, is what we realized.
(00:40:52):
We couldn't even listen to music that had alcohol.
(00:40:54):
Oh my God.
(00:40:55):
I just thought it was fun.
(00:40:57):
but you took a little bit longer than me.
(00:40:59):
And I was so dead serious about this recovery.
(00:41:02):
Like I was all in.
(00:41:03):
I just don't think I had, I didn't know how else to do it because I was so scared.
(00:41:08):
I didn't even know that it'd last for forever.
(00:41:09):
At three months, I definitely wasn't like, this is a forever thing.
(00:41:13):
I think it was probably till, well, I don't know.
(00:41:17):
It clicks when it clicks.
(00:41:18):
It's just listening to the similarities and not the differences.
(00:41:22):
Yeah.
(00:41:23):
I remember when I first got sober, I was literally crying in rehab.
(00:41:30):
I was talking to the group therapy,
(00:41:32):
like we were talking and I started crying when I realized that on my wedding day,
(00:41:38):
like I'm still not married.
(00:41:39):
This is, you know,
(00:41:40):
little girl dream but i was like on my wedding day i'm not going to be able to have
(00:41:43):
a drink that's not fair and like i literally was crying about it like that i had
(00:41:49):
gotten i had ruined my life to the point that i wouldn't be able to enjoy a glass
(00:41:52):
of champagne on my wedding day and i am so happy to say that i am not worried about
(00:41:58):
that anymore i would actually be terrified to get drunk in front of all those
(00:42:02):
people while they're staring at me all day it has been a total flip right
(00:42:07):
Yeah, I cried that I wouldn't be able to drink at my son's wedding.
(00:42:11):
I was going to be the weird mom.
(00:42:13):
And I and again, that's like so far.
(00:42:16):
It's a future tripping.
(00:42:18):
We got remarried because we only wanted to get remarried because I was pregnant at
(00:42:24):
our wedding and I wanted to drink and his mom was going to pay for a full open bar.
(00:42:29):
We could either go to a full trip to Denmark.
(00:42:32):
Or have our next wedding with a full bar paid for.
(00:42:35):
And we picked the bar wedding.
(00:42:38):
The trip to Denmark is still on the table.
(00:42:41):
I don't know.
(00:42:41):
You've got to call your mom for that one.
(00:42:44):
But that was how important it was in my life.
(00:42:49):
And that's definitely not how it is today.
(00:42:51):
Yeah.
(00:42:52):
Yeah.
(00:42:53):
There are all those little things that I know I had those thoughts and I can't remember,
(00:42:57):
but it was like,
(00:42:58):
oh,
(00:42:58):
I'm never going to be able to share a beer with Evan when he's 21.
(00:43:01):
You were sad as you cut in orange because you were like,
(00:43:06):
I just realized I will never be able to have a blue moon.
(00:43:10):
And I was like, dude.
(00:43:13):
Like,
(00:43:13):
that's what you think about when you cut oranges,
(00:43:15):
that that's like someone saying they smell the cinnamon candle and they're like,
(00:43:19):
it smells like fireball.
(00:43:20):
And it's like, no, it's cinnamon.
(00:43:22):
Like, that's just a regular flavor.
(00:43:24):
Yeah.
(00:43:26):
Not fireball.
(00:43:28):
And I was like, OK.
(00:43:30):
And this, again, is at the time where he's like not.
(00:43:32):
If you cut an orange and you automatically think of beer, there's something there.
(00:43:37):
Yeah.
(00:43:39):
I used to drink screwdrivers with my thing.
(00:43:42):
And I was out to brunch with a bunch of my friends and I had ordered an orange juice.
(00:43:47):
And I drank it and I was like, there's something wrong with this orange juice.
(00:43:51):
So I'm like making everybody taste it.
(00:43:53):
I'm like, this has gone bad.
(00:43:54):
They gave me something that's gone bad.
(00:43:56):
And eventually my friend looks at me and she's like,
(00:43:58):
do you think it's maybe just because there's no vodka in it?
(00:44:02):
And I was like, cool.
(00:44:03):
So I have now forgotten what orange juice is supposed to taste like.
(00:44:07):
Yeah, no, that's... And we just talked about that in the last... We were like,
(00:44:14):
I said, I don't miss the margaritas.
(00:44:16):
But again, I was probably making them wrong because I wanted a splash of mix.
(00:44:20):
You know, I wanted to taste all the tequila.
(00:44:24):
And if I were to taste one that were made correctly,
(00:44:27):
which I don't have any desire to,
(00:44:29):
but I'd probably be like,
(00:44:30):
this tastes weird.
(00:44:32):
And again, because I wanted full alcohol.
(00:44:34):
If I couldn't taste the alcohol, it wasn't strong enough.
(00:44:37):
Most people don't want to taste the alcohol.
(00:44:39):
Yeah.
(00:44:39):
which I didn't realize for a long time.
(00:44:42):
I was always like double, triple, whatever.
(00:44:44):
I need to like actually feel like I'm having a drink.
(00:44:48):
And that's not,
(00:44:49):
there's a reason why there's all those flavors in it because you're not supposed to
(00:44:52):
want to taste the boot.
(00:44:53):
Isn't that crazy?
(00:44:54):
Why would you want to take it?
(00:44:58):
And then I would try and get the strongest beer.
(00:45:00):
If I did have to drink to beer, I'm like, I want the 13% one.
(00:45:03):
That's like a super thick, like, and I don't even enjoy it.
(00:45:08):
I was just drinking it.
(00:45:09):
I'm like, well, if it's the highest potency and they only, this is a beer.
(00:45:14):
If they didn't have wine, because I would usually default to wine.
(00:45:17):
Yeah, I mean, it's just silly.
(00:45:19):
I think back and I'm like, the insanity I put myself through.
(00:45:25):
And there's a lot of relief in that today.
(00:45:26):
Yeah.
(00:45:29):
So it's amazing.
(00:45:30):
And it feels so much better.
(00:45:33):
So I hope that on your hundredth day, you're kind of reminiscing that it's a total change.
(00:45:39):
I mean...
(00:45:41):
Thinking about probably your first day to today, I just remember celebrating the hundred.
(00:45:46):
We just got I got a coin for a thousand days.
(00:45:49):
Oh, yeah.
(00:45:50):
You know, I would have never thought I would have made it that far.
(00:45:54):
And it's just one day at a time.
(00:45:56):
Keep sharing.
(00:45:57):
You're real.
(00:45:57):
They're awesome.
(00:45:58):
I bet they're helping a ton of people.
(00:46:00):
I can't imagine that they're not because I already see all the likes and comments on them.
(00:46:04):
And it's just really cool.
(00:46:05):
And I think you said you want to eventually start your YouTube channel,
(00:46:09):
which I think you could already do now.
(00:46:11):
You got all the equipment for it.
(00:46:14):
Well, I'd like to get a microphone.
(00:46:15):
I don't even have a microphone.
(00:46:18):
So I actually was looking for one last night.
(00:46:20):
I want to feel confident that it won't be just my mom watching.
(00:46:25):
So I'm like,
(00:46:26):
in my head,
(00:46:26):
I'm like,
(00:46:26):
I'm going to wait till I have 2,000 followers and then I'll start the YouTube channel.
(00:46:30):
I mean, even if it is.
(00:46:31):
Nothing wrong with the moms watching.
(00:46:32):
There's nothing wrong with the moms watching.
(00:46:34):
Mother-in-law will be watching this soon.
(00:46:36):
But I mean, you got to start.
(00:46:37):
You think of everyone who said, you know, Jeff Bezos started in his garage.
(00:46:42):
And did he think he was going to sell that many books?
(00:46:44):
No.
(00:46:45):
But, you know, Amazon.
(00:46:46):
Buy all the books.
(00:46:47):
She probably bought some.
(00:46:48):
And I've learned, I've learned that when I, with the, the even podcasts and podcasts,
(00:46:58):
I try to remember my why,
(00:47:00):
and that would be my advice to anyone else who's about to start a podcast or a
(00:47:04):
YouTube channel.
(00:47:05):
It's like our why is because we want to share that we do recover, that we can get sober.
(00:47:12):
If one person watches it and like it helps them get sober, like that was our only goal.
(00:47:17):
Well, I don't know.
(00:47:18):
I mean,
(00:47:18):
it would be nice if we at least got equal because we've now put all of our money
(00:47:22):
into the podcast and it's like,
(00:47:23):
OK,
(00:47:24):
where's the return?
(00:47:25):
And not at least just enough to cover the cost of like what it costs to run,
(00:47:29):
you know,
(00:47:30):
a YouTube or podcast because all these services are not free,
(00:47:34):
unfortunately.
(00:47:35):
But I mean, you can do it with minimal equipment and just remembering your why.
(00:47:39):
I think your videos look great.
(00:47:40):
Thank you.
(00:47:41):
I got a ring light for Christmas.
(00:47:42):
I'm really happy about that, actually.
(00:47:44):
It's like really helped with the lighting situation.
(00:47:46):
I have windows all along the one side of my apartment.
(00:47:49):
So I always had the spooky shadow on me.
(00:47:51):
And now I don't.
(00:47:53):
But yeah, the why is huge.
(00:47:55):
And I once in a while will get like a really nice inbox message from somebody who
(00:48:02):
I've never spoken to.
(00:48:03):
It's always like in the request folder, right?
(00:48:05):
And a few times I've had people reach out and say like,
(00:48:08):
you know, I was struggling and I was about to go to the liquor store.
(00:48:13):
And because I saw your video, I'm not going there right now.
(00:48:15):
I'm going to like give it one more day.
(00:48:17):
And like,
(00:48:17):
whenever I get a little message like that,
(00:48:19):
or someone saying like I've helped in any way,
(00:48:21):
it reminds me to like,
(00:48:24):
stop looking at the fucking view.
(00:48:26):
Stop looking at the light and just like,
(00:48:28):
keep doing this because that's why I want to be doing it.
(00:48:31):
I want to be connecting with people.
(00:48:32):
That was the whole point in the beginning.
(00:48:35):
And the more people I can help, the,
(00:48:38):
more like, you know, vindiction.
(00:48:40):
Yeah.
(00:48:42):
The better I'll feel about what I'm doing, right?
(00:48:44):
Being vulnerable is important.
(00:48:46):
It is being vulnerable.
(00:48:47):
And the way that I use the analytics and metrics,
(00:48:50):
it's like,
(00:48:51):
it kind of helps me see like what people want to hear about.
(00:48:54):
So like when I'm posting about a subject,
(00:48:56):
it's like,
(00:48:56):
okay,
(00:48:57):
what content,
(00:48:57):
what did I say in this video that like people liked so much more?
(00:49:01):
Cause that's probably what people want to hear.
(00:49:03):
it's the usually the newly sober and the funny stuff like you know
(00:49:09):
That's what people like hearing about how we like our drinks to taste more like
(00:49:13):
alcohol than,
(00:49:15):
you know,
(00:49:15):
orange juice doesn't taste right.
(00:49:16):
I just thought about has the support been different or better the same from your
(00:49:22):
friends and family from the first time you went sober to now getting sober?
(00:49:27):
Because you said now you're doing it for you.
(00:49:29):
But has your support been different or the same or better from, you know, your mom or friends?
(00:49:36):
I think it's been a lot better, but it's more it's not on anybody but me.
(00:49:41):
It's because I'm being better and more tolerable to be around.
(00:49:45):
I think the first time I got sober, I was really pissed off at my family.
(00:49:50):
I was actually like currently not speaking to a lot of them.
(00:49:54):
I was very isolated from my friends.
(00:49:57):
I didn't feel comfortable being around alcohol because I wanted it so bad.
(00:50:01):
And I was like white knuckling every day.
(00:50:04):
And so I almost like had like destroyed my own support system.
(00:50:09):
And now because I do interact with the world and I do go to family dinner,
(00:50:15):
people can be there for me.
(00:50:16):
I think letting people in has been a huge part of this as well and being open about
(00:50:22):
it and yeah,
(00:50:24):
letting people see that like I am doing better.
(00:50:27):
And I think like one thing that comes up constantly is people tell me I'm glowing
(00:50:32):
and like,
(00:50:33):
thank God I haven't had sex in a while or I'd be like so stressed that I was pregnant.
(00:50:36):
But
(00:50:38):
Yeah,
(00:50:38):
hearing that that word over and over and over again,
(00:50:41):
I'm like something from the inside is coming out.
(00:50:45):
It's not like a routine.
(00:50:47):
It's like it's my soul.
(00:50:49):
And I think that makes it easier to connect with people, too.
(00:50:54):
If you look at your eyes in old pictures,
(00:50:56):
like that was a big one for me that it's like the glow of your clear eyes.
(00:51:01):
And I mean,
(00:51:03):
obviously not putting alcohol in your body,
(00:51:05):
it will help like just naturally you're not putting a poison in your body.
(00:51:11):
So your skin does start like, but there is a certain glow about when you're like,
(00:51:16):
Again,
(00:51:16):
you're not thinking of all those other things like,
(00:51:18):
oh,
(00:51:18):
my God,
(00:51:19):
how am I going to drive home?
(00:51:20):
You're not having to think of all that stuff.
(00:51:22):
All you're thinking about is the moment you're in, you know, and that is low because you're
(00:51:27):
you're comfortable in your own skin.
(00:51:29):
And I think people can see like when you're not comfortable in your skin,
(00:51:32):
you know,
(00:51:33):
especially if you're like,
(00:51:35):
I think you're similar more to me.
(00:51:36):
You can definitely I'm in it.
(00:51:39):
You can feel my mood.
(00:51:40):
You know, even when I try not to now, it's just still I'm outspoken.
(00:51:45):
I voice my opinion.
(00:51:47):
I don't really hold back, you know, so.
(00:51:49):
Those kinds of things,
(00:51:50):
people can feel the glow because it's cool to be around someone who's comfortable
(00:51:56):
and authentic and they know what they're doing is something that they love doing.
(00:52:00):
You know that you're being happy.
(00:52:02):
You're treating your body the way you want it.
(00:52:04):
It's a crazy disease.
(00:52:09):
and it's so bad for so many parts of you is like really what I'm coming to realize
(00:52:14):
is like,
(00:52:15):
I was always so tired,
(00:52:17):
so irritable,
(00:52:18):
like nothing was regulating itself in my body the way it was supposed to.
(00:52:23):
Like I was relying on a million different drugs at all times that were,
(00:52:27):
none of them were prescribed by anybody either.
(00:52:29):
Right.
(00:52:29):
It's like, you're figuring out a way like, Hey, I need the sleeping pills.
(00:52:32):
I need the booze.
(00:52:32):
I need the weed for my anxiety.
(00:52:34):
I need to take the, have the coffee because I stayed up too late.
(00:52:37):
And,
(00:52:38):
It becomes this like horrible cocktail.
(00:52:40):
And now I can just be like,
(00:52:42):
okay,
(00:52:43):
I'm going to go to bed because I'm tired because I woke up on time today.
(00:52:47):
And then tomorrow I'll wake up on time.
(00:52:49):
And, you know, I drank my water, so I'm feeling fine.
(00:52:53):
And yeah,
(00:52:54):
it's really kind of a cool feeling after,
(00:52:57):
you know,
(00:52:58):
drinking for essentially now what's most of my life to...
(00:53:04):
just being a healthy person.
(00:53:06):
I mean, like, oh, so my body can just, you know, do this and it don't.
(00:53:13):
Yeah, it's amazing.
(00:53:14):
And that's, you know, it's only going to get better and better.
(00:53:17):
At least it did for me,
(00:53:19):
you know,
(00:53:19):
or at least it's cool that it's one day at a time that it's like,
(00:53:23):
OK,
(00:53:23):
if today was a hard day,
(00:53:25):
I just got to make it to bed.
(00:53:26):
And,
(00:53:27):
you know,
(00:53:27):
knowing that I'm going to sleep well without having to sleep was something that was
(00:53:31):
amazing for
(00:53:34):
Because I always had trouble sleeping, drinking.
(00:53:36):
And I'm like,
(00:53:37):
oh yeah,
(00:53:37):
I can make it till I hit my bed tonight and I can wake up tomorrow and it's a new day.
(00:53:42):
If you're creating even content,
(00:53:44):
it's another reason of like,
(00:53:45):
oh yeah,
(00:53:45):
well,
(00:53:45):
I want to stay sober because I want to keep doing that.
(00:53:48):
And it's...
(00:53:51):
the accountability, regulation, like everything you're saying.
(00:53:53):
I also think it's cool.
(00:53:55):
And I'm sure when we do get sober,
(00:53:57):
you find out you have these kind of hidden skills or passions that you didn't know
(00:54:02):
you have.
(00:54:03):
And I think yours is this new content creating you.
(00:54:07):
social media and wanting to do YouTube.
(00:54:09):
Because one thing I do like to ask people who are newly sober is if they've picked
(00:54:13):
up a new hobby or they're either going to the gym or playing a certain sport or
(00:54:17):
they're doing some sort of arts and crafts,
(00:54:20):
whether it's painting or music.
(00:54:23):
And I think for us and you especially, it's podcasting.
(00:54:27):
Well, that came at way later.
(00:54:29):
I know.
(00:54:29):
But you did find this kind of secret passion you didn't know you had.
(00:54:34):
Yeah.
(00:54:34):
I kind of fell back on playing tennis because that was something I grew up doing.
(00:54:38):
And it was something I always associated not drinking with.
(00:54:42):
And it was like, oh, I can go back to this old childhood passion that I had that
(00:54:47):
you know, I didn't associate with drinking.
(00:54:50):
So it kind of brought back this childhood fun for me to be able to go back and do and enjoy.
(00:54:56):
And then you figured out,
(00:54:58):
you know,
(00:54:58):
or do you have something else that you like to do or that you started doing?
(00:55:04):
Well, I think bringing up a childhood thing is huge because
(00:55:08):
A lot of things that I did when I was a kid have become fun again.
(00:55:11):
Like I was a huge bookworm and I'm now like blowing through books like I used to.
(00:55:16):
I was really athletic and now I'm back into running and I haven't missed a day at
(00:55:21):
the gym in like 70 something days.
(00:55:25):
And yeah,
(00:55:26):
it's like you fill your time with things that you're like,
(00:55:29):
oh,
(00:55:29):
I used to like doing this.
(00:55:30):
I wonder if I still do.
(00:55:31):
And it's just as fun.
(00:55:34):
Yeah, because you were not hungover.
(00:55:35):
Yeah.
(00:55:36):
Yeah.
(00:55:37):
That was one of the things for me was I didn't want to sign up for a class or anything.
(00:55:42):
Because, well, like, what if I want to drink that day?
(00:55:44):
Right.
(00:55:45):
Yeah, exactly.
(00:55:47):
And then Rachel even said you started reading more.
(00:55:50):
That was when you because you're when we were drunk, you didn't want to read.
(00:55:53):
It was too hard.
(00:55:55):
Look at all those words.
(00:55:57):
You know, it's like triple lines.
(00:55:59):
I could see triple like and I was like, this is good.
(00:56:02):
So no.
(00:56:04):
Well, even going drunk on social media was a problem.
(00:56:07):
I would delete apps sometimes if I knew it was going to be a wild night because I'm like,
(00:56:10):
I don't want to post.
(00:56:12):
Or delete friends.
(00:56:14):
I deleted a lot of friends and I had to apologize the next day and it was very awkward.
(00:56:18):
And yes, thank you.
(00:56:19):
You always bring that up.
(00:56:20):
Yes, I would delete and re-add friends because I got angry when I was drunk and I'd have to...
(00:56:26):
Once we became married and we shared family and I get mad at his family and I
(00:56:30):
delete them,
(00:56:30):
then it became weird because then Christmas is around and they're like,
(00:56:34):
oh,
(00:56:34):
so you unfriended me.
(00:56:35):
And I was like, I don't know.
(00:56:36):
I was real drunk and I'll bring it to you.
(00:56:40):
And it's like, this is not normal conversations that people have.
(00:56:43):
And then I would just drink more because I'm like, this is uncomfortable.
(00:56:47):
And I don't ever have to unfriend anyone.
(00:56:50):
I have not unfriended one person since I got sober.
(00:56:53):
What a brag.
(00:56:57):
I can relate, though.
(00:56:57):
I totally did the same thing.
(00:56:59):
And there's such an awkward feeling when you have to send that friend request.
(00:57:03):
And then they're like, oh, what happened?
(00:57:06):
I got super worked up all by myself.
(00:57:08):
And I guess I was really mad.
(00:57:10):
Just the thumb slipped on the.
(00:57:12):
Yeah.
(00:57:14):
I am grateful to say have not done that in sobriety.
(00:57:17):
So, you know, we're on a good roll right now.
(00:57:21):
So, yeah, we're good.
(00:57:23):
I don't have to apologize for things like that anymore because even if I get angry,
(00:57:28):
I never will go to the point,
(00:57:30):
or at least I should say,
(00:57:33):
I don't feel the need to like anything.
(00:57:36):
There's nothing so drastic.
(00:57:38):
You know, it was the alcoholism.
(00:57:41):
induced like and I also like drama a lot more and like today I do not care for
(00:57:47):
drama it's not my thing like we used to chant juice juice juice juice juice when we
(00:57:53):
heard like something like
(00:57:55):
Yeah, someone's got a story.
(00:57:56):
That doesn't feel good today.
(00:57:59):
I don't want to, like, enjoy someone else's trauma.
(00:58:02):
Like, I want to go find out how to re-help them.
(00:58:06):
Right?
(00:58:06):
Like,
(00:58:07):
I remember when I was doing my master's degree,
(00:58:09):
we were in a travel program,
(00:58:11):
and I was the youngest by,
(00:58:13):
like,
(00:58:13):
a lot.
(00:58:14):
Like,
(00:58:14):
11 years was the difference between me and the next oldest person,
(00:58:17):
and the oldest person in me was,
(00:58:19):
like,
(00:58:19):
a 50-year gap.
(00:58:20):
So I was this, like, little party girl, and they would basically, like,
(00:58:25):
be waiting for me at breakfast to be like what did you get up to last night you
(00:58:29):
know and i'd have like all these stories like oh i went here and i went here and
(00:58:32):
then this happened i lost my phone and it was like this like source of
(00:58:36):
entertainment for everyone and looking back i am like so incredibly embarrassed
(00:58:41):
about that like why why were they all encouraging me
(00:58:46):
Well,
(00:58:47):
you know,
(00:58:47):
again,
(00:58:48):
those are things that you just see when we look back and we're like,
(00:58:50):
well,
(00:58:51):
I don't have to do it again.
(00:58:52):
There's going to be someone who wants to ask you a question when you start your
(00:58:56):
YouTube channel,
(00:58:57):
you know,
(00:58:57):
like,
(00:58:58):
hey,
(00:58:59):
I'm going through that.
(00:58:59):
And you'll be like, oh, girl, I've been there, too.
(00:59:01):
Like, yeah, I telling in I didn't have a filter.
(00:59:04):
I would tell really uncomfortable stories and to where they're like,
(00:59:07):
Rachel,
(00:59:08):
you need to go home like no filter.
(00:59:10):
No, I did no business talking about that again.
(00:59:15):
that honest feeling in my heart is like,
(00:59:19):
if I do something out of that,
(00:59:21):
I'm immediately wanting to fix it.
(00:59:23):
Like it doesn't feel good.
(00:59:24):
So, and it sounds like that's, that's where you're at too.
(00:59:29):
So, well, keep in touch and I will, I'm going to post your Instagram in the show notes below.
(00:59:36):
Is there anything else you want me to add?
(00:59:38):
Or I think I have everything from what you filled out.
(00:59:41):
yeah as far as how people can reach out and i'm going to make clips of this and i
(00:59:45):
will send you the whole video as well so that way you can make clips if you'd like
(00:59:50):
be on the lookout for your youtube channel yeah that's exciting yeah we i don't i
(00:59:56):
haven't done a live yet in a while but i have to remind myself like just why am i
(01:00:04):
doing this and
(01:00:06):
The why helps on the hard days,
(01:00:08):
like where I don't feel like making a podcast or talking about it.
(01:00:12):
And I'm like, who am I talking to?
(01:00:14):
Well, I'm talking to the Rachel that didn't think sobriety was possible.
(01:00:20):
That's for I'm doing this because I saw other people on TikTok that were sober and
(01:00:25):
I would go delete.
(01:00:27):
undelete and then follow and unfollow because when I was drunk, I'd unfollow and get mad.
(01:00:31):
That's so funny that you bring that up.
(01:00:32):
I actually this morning was like,
(01:00:34):
because I'm like just inching on 1400 followers and I'm like so close and then like
(01:00:39):
two people unfollow me.
(01:00:41):
And like last night between like midnight and this morning,
(01:00:44):
I lost like three followers and I was like,
(01:00:46):
I get so hurt,
(01:00:47):
right?
(01:00:47):
Because I'm watching those numbers and I'm like,
(01:00:50):
Maybe they just decided they were going to drink, you know?
(01:00:53):
And it's true.
(01:00:55):
But also there's so many bots now that I got told by someone that they're like on
(01:00:59):
this bot thing.
(01:01:00):
So if you're losing people, it might not even be a real person.
(01:01:04):
And so don't get your thoughts.
(01:01:06):
It hurt my feelings too.
(01:01:07):
I'm like, we put out that we were going to do the Zoom.
(01:01:10):
And like, I got more unsubscribes than attenders.
(01:01:14):
And I was like, oh my God.
(01:01:16):
And I'm like, this is...
(01:01:18):
I was so devastated.
(01:01:20):
And I'm like,
(01:01:20):
I have to remember,
(01:01:21):
this is a niche,
(01:01:23):
you know,
(01:01:23):
like we're talking to people that they might not be sober yet.
(01:01:26):
They might be sober.
(01:01:28):
They might be struggling.
(01:01:29):
And I used to unfollow and follow.
(01:01:32):
And it's part of what got me to be sober, you know.
(01:01:36):
So it just took what it took.
(01:01:39):
I would follow, unfollow.
(01:01:41):
And she looks so happy.
(01:01:43):
And I would be
(01:01:46):
There'd be stints,
(01:01:47):
and I'm very thankful for just if we can help carry a message or something hits or
(01:01:54):
something relates,
(01:01:55):
because you really never know when it will.
(01:01:59):
All right.
(01:01:59):
Well, thank you for coming on.
(01:02:01):
Thank you, Chris.
(01:02:02):
Thank you for your time.
(01:02:03):
Thank you for listening to Sober Banter.
(01:02:04):
Chris,
(01:02:05):
we're so...
(01:02:05):
I don't want to be like,
(01:02:07):
we're so blessed,
(01:02:08):
but I do feel very grateful that...
(01:02:13):
That and Journey.
(01:02:14):
Blast and Journey are my two trigger words.
(01:02:16):
They say in sobriety.
(01:02:18):
Yes.
(01:02:19):
Okay.
(01:02:20):
Thank you.
(01:02:20):
Bye-bye.
